When did "insight" settle in ?

I first wrote this piece 18 years ago and lost it, the words stayed with me and I rewrote it 3 years ago . This tells the story of the day I first saw into another's mind.

I first wrote this little piece almost 15 years ago. I lost the piece but the words stayed with me

Some days it’s better to stay in bed.

Carole never walked into the chipper, no, she breezed in , light , airy and beautifully scented. Her blonde curls bounced and swung around her tiny face with its sharp features, the first hint that this was no babydoll but a force of nature to be reckoned with. The men never noticed the vixen, they only ever saw the kitten.

Her voice was ringing through the frost sprinkled morning with its mist of humid fog, her breath carried the words ahead of her, “Great day to be alive folks, we are gonna be happy by the end of the day” The honeyed tone of her market stall holder’s snake charmer’s voice pierced the air and embedded a dagger deep in my heart . My husband trembled every so slightly, I could feel it even though he stood a full foot away from me, his skin greyed and his knuckles whitened on the chip strainer. Well trained cafe owners that we were, we both smiled the fake toothpaste customer service smile and said in unison ”So that will be a full Irish , all the trimmings then, Carole,? no sausage, extra egg ? Her shrewd eyes pierced into us and we heard her say “Jeez did someone die or what ? We tried to laugh, it fell flat, but blaming the early hour and the cold dawn didn’t persuade her, she left breakfast in hand and a minuscule worry line showing on her Botoxed forehead How did I even notice it ?

22 hours earlier my life had been pretty much perfect. Our marriage was about 90% perfect, which meant it was indeed perfect. The kids were doing well and seemed happy. Our grandson was flashing tiny new teeth at us, spouting gibberish at every opportunity and making no attempt to walk, instead perfecting a bum shuffle that transported him quickly and dangerously out of reach in split seconds . Life was simple, life was good, life was life.

21 hours earlier they gave my lovely man a mild sedative , he was nervous and annoyed that his dignity was about to be taken from him by colonoscopy but his respect for his doctor meant he wouldn’t say no, instead he would grit his teeth and suffer through it.

20 hours earlier, the surgeon came into the recovery room. There were 6 beds in the room containing 5 other patients all post colonoscopy and my husband occupied the sixth. He passed our bed, not looking at us and went on from bed to bed, smiled to their recumbents and said “Your doctor will be in touch, get dressed and go home, have a nice day” The room clattered and mouths chattered, people all in a hurry to leave.

He came back towards us, and that was when the deep searching sharp clarity of really seeing began in me .His smile had turned upside down His blue eyes had dulled to an almost grey and his upright walk was now almost a stoop as he bent over my husband to say, in a newly softened hushed tone “Thank you for waiting, please get dressed,” We, neither of us breathing listening as the nails dropped. “Yes”, he said, “get dressed and the nurse will show you to my office, I’d like a word with you, both”. I heard each word just before he said it, making the echo of his spoken word all the more piercing,

19.hours 30 minutes ago , he delivered his judgement, single words hung in the air. I’m sure that this well educated individual spoke in full sentences but the words etched into the air , one by one, in a blunt bold font , blockage, tumour, large, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, soon as possible, oncology 9am Monday morning

Then he said, almost below his breath, “I’m sorry, try to stay positive and good luck.” His head didn’t move yet I saw it shake a sad no ,moving side to side, as though his thoughts were telling me he is telling lies! He left the room, we were alone again, battle had begun. A battle we had neither the training to battle with nor a battalion to help.

19 hours earlier we had left the hospital, wordlessly. numb, autopilot on , the bright sunny day seemed black as the darkest of New Moon nights. We carried the etchings with us, and in our minds, we played a word game, rearranging the words, trying to make sense of them, trying desperately to believe we had misheard, misconstrued them . We didn’t speak, we held hands and walked towards home . Occasionally we looked at each other and smiled , a smile of love and terror, hope and dismay, past and future, the beginning of the end

2 hours ago we got up to open the chipper for Saturday market, still not speaking the unspeakable, Ordering milk, potatoes, bacon eggs, reprimanding one of the girls for being late, burning the beans and cursing under our breath.

Life was going on but in our hearts it was going nowhere. We had reached the end